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JAYAH CONTAINS
EXPLICIT LYRICS

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Happy Birthday to me
12.26.04 (11:42 pm)   [edit]

Well today was my birthday!...December 26! What a great day it was...got a new stereo...to blast my tunes...hehehe!...and Chocolate!...YUMMY!...and the BOND cd! Great stuff..kids are nuts for it.


I had no more pain from the damned kidney stone from last wednesday...THANK GOD! that really sucked! My parents are still here and we havent gotten into a huge fight...miracle of all miracles...kinda weird if ya ask me! Spent the day with the whole famdamily...was great! Played silly games and laughed at me for finally bein 30...


I got "Strictly Ballroom" too...such a feel good movie, and a Sarah Slean cd too...too much stuff actually...I can't even remember it all right now...bad huh?...lol!


I hope everybody had a great holiday season so far...and if you haven't...well it ain't over yet...so smile ok...if you're reading this at least you have access to a computer...you might even own it...so put things into perspective already!


Oh did I tell ya all that I was born in a blizzard and my dad had to drive 30 miles to get back home from the hospital(to get the suitcase...lol) it took him 5hrs...usually took an hour and a half or so...brutal huh?...guess thats why I still love blizzards!


Ok now I've had too much tequila...so I'm going to bed...before I pass out on the laptop!...


NIGHT ALL!

 
ohhhh the pain!
12.23.04 (12:02 am)   [edit]

Well fuck me with an iron cross!...


I cleaned my entire house AGAIN! Did the laundry..even put it away. I made pizza from scratch for the kids and guess what my fuckin reward was?


A KIDNEY STONE!...DAMMIT!


I was talkin to an old friend I had a falling out with a few years back(ran into her al wal-mart) and I got this funny pain on my low right side...kinda burning. So I asked her what a kidney or urinary tract infection felt like...after she told me I realised that that was what I had! I got sick so freakin fast I had to get off the phone. Was getting dizzy and nauseous by the minute. I took a quick shower and almost passed out on my bed after...my kids were kissing me and hugging me...I couldn't even hug back!


I told my husband to get me to the hospital...we called a few to see if they were busy and we went to the one closest to us...in a little hick town. I was writhing around on my bed, the couch, IT WAS TERRIBLE...I WOULD RATHER HAVE A HOME BIRTH AGAIN!...AT LEAST I WOULD GET A BABY OUT OF THE DEAL! I took two tyelenol's and got dressed...I couldn't even get my socks on. We went to the hospital and they took me right away. I got to lay down, cuz sitting was out of the question...the nurse came in and took all my vitals. Apparently I wasn't dying..but boy did I feel like I was! The doctor came in and checked me over and told me what the deal was...I was already starting to feel less pain. So he gave me a shot of demerol and gravol and said to not drink too much til tomorrow. He said the stone was quite small if the pain was already going away...the big ones don't stop hurting! Oh man was I glad!


So now I'm home feeling lovely...but still sore...so nice to be home. If I have a flare up I have to go back and they will keep me overnight!...NOOOOOOOO! I hate hospitals!...at least if I have to go I will be drugged...hehehe!


If anyone has felt this pain...I'm sorry for you..IT BITES!


Goin to bed!...l8r!

 
holiday special!
12.21.04 (11:53 pm)   [edit]

Well I had some time so I  figured I would blog a little. As I completed my move over here I read some of my past entries...wow! I have never written so regularly...it's quite cathartic! I guess if I give myself half a chance I can write stuff down...LOL!


The HOLIDAYS!...hmmm. Now I know lots of people get their knickers in a twist about this time of year. I do not, until the last minute then I freak out for a couple of days then..I GIVE UP! There really is no point for me...this is why:


I turn 30 on sunday!...whoohoo!
My grandfather when he was alive..his birthday was on Christmas Day
My dads birthday is on the 30...as well as my parents wedding anniversary!(33yrs)
My daughters birthday is on Jan 1st(4 wow)
and last but not least my godmothers birthday is Jan 7


So you see this is a special time of year for me no matter what! I refuse to let society decide what is important to me. We never go all out crazy with gifts...we spend time together...and it isn't THAT painful! I have a huge family too...even though I'm an only child...my mom is one of 14 and my husband is one of 13...tons of people...you might not talk to the same person twice!...LOL!


I just got my tree up two days ago...just started my shopping the same day...and now I'm done!...psst pick names! it's so much easier! NO baking this year...no time. I guess I will bake as we need...everyday...hehehe!


So I wish you all A VERY  MERRY  CH RISTMAS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS...AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!...hugs and kisses to all! 


after the holidays I will be here more often...ok FROSTY?!

 
Just a new quiz...get to know me OK!
12.19.04 (11:19 pm)   [edit]

Ok I stole this from Anastacia!...I totally warned her too...lol!



 


( ) You have not done (*) You’ve done



 


(*) Been drunk



 


(*) Kissed a member of the opposite sex



 


(*) Kissed a member of the same sex



 


( ) Crashed a friends car



 


( ) Been to Japan



 


(*) Ridden in a taxi



 


(*) Been in love



 


(*) Been dumped



 


(*) Shoplifted



 


(*) Been fired



 


(*) Been in a fist fight



 


(*) Snuck out of my parents house



 


(*) Had a crush on someone of the same sex



 


( ) Dated someone of the same sex



 


(*) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back



 


(*) Been arrested



 


(*) Made out with a stranger



 


(*) Made a booty call



 


(*) Been a booty call



 


(*) Stole something from my job



 


( ) Celebrated New Years in Times Square



 


( ) Gone on a blind date



 


(*) Lied to a friend



 


(*) Have a friend lie to me



 


(*) Had a crush on a teacher (it was actually a lot more than just a crush)



 


( ) Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans



 


( ) Been to Europe



 


(*) Skipped school



 


( ) Slept with a co-worker



 


(*) Cut myself



 


(*) Been married



 


( ) Gotten divorced



 


(*) Had children (one of each)



 


( ) Seen someone die



 


( ) Been to Africa



 


(*) Had a crush on one of my Tblog friends (Oh boy do I ever!)



 


(*) Slapped someone I love



 


( ) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball



 


(*) Been to Canada (I live here)



 


( ) Been to Mexico



 


(*) Been on a plane



 


( ) Thrown up in a bar



 


(*) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show(too many times to count!)



 


( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire



 


(*) Eaten Sushi (I make it at home)



 


(*) Been snowboarding



 


(*) Met someone in person from the internet



 


(*) Been moshing at concerts



 


(*) Been in an abusive relationship



 


(*) Been pregnant or got someone pregnant



 


( ) Lost a child



 


( ) Graduated college



 


( ) Tried killing yourself



 


(*) Taken painkillers



 


(*) Had sex



 


(*) Intentionally burned yourself



 


(*) Wished someone dead



 


( ) Wished someone dead right now



 


(*) Admitted to a big mistake



 


(*) Been misunderstood



 


(*) Told someone I hated them when I didn’t



 


(*) Told someone I loved them when I didn’t



 


(*) Love or miss someone right now

 
done!
12.19.04 (11:09 pm)   [edit]

finally the last one!..















I can SEE!!!
Saturday 12.04.04 [1:15 am] delete entry | edit entry



Wow...this is weird!...



I just got new contact lenses today...been wearing glasses for years...too lazy and tired to wear them before...right MOMMIES? You know what I mean. Took a bit to get used to. The doc made me put them in to see if I could do it! Dammit...I've been wearin em since I was 16...just cuz I took a few years off doesn't mean I forgot!...SHIT! The doc was so flustered it was hilarious...my daughter told me "that man likes you" How do they know these things? She isn't even 4 yet!...lol!



Now I m getting used to seeing things clearer...and since my glasses are the plastic frame type,  they were quite dark...now I feel like I need to wear sunglasses in my house...too freakin bright!..Looking at the screen it's almost painful...BUT I LIKE PAIN! Oh start list...sunglasses...



Oh I saw the wickedest boots while driving down Portage ave. Flat combat soled lace up(of course) to the knee...with pink flames...So freakin cool...gotta go see how much...maybe I will do A Happy Birthday to me stunt!...I love boots.  I got a new black jean miniskirt and new underwear too..yay!...PINK!...I used to hate pink...now I seem to like it...odd!



Well I'm gonna go fantasize...about the boots...dirty people!....ok maybe other stuff too...but I'm not tellin....lol!



 



posted by: jayah | 11 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












any ideas?...
Thursday 12.02.04 [3:25 pm] delete entry | edit entry



Hello people! I took out the darkwars link cuz the site is having problems right now...will post it again soon.



I just realized the the countdown to my 30th birthday has begun! 24 days left...I gotta start planning my new tattoo...and what I'm going to do to mark the day...since it's on a sunday this year which rips...I don't have many options.



SO DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS...



1. FOR MY TATTOO?....and where too...
2. WHAT TO DO TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY?...



I don't usually ask people that kind of stuff but I'm interested to see what people say...so don't be shy..let me have it ok?...lol!



Ever notice the people on here are pretty nice...and accepting?...now why can't people be like that all the time?...Life would be so much easier...YES?



Well my parents are comin to stay for Christmas time and that should be interesting...We have a loud relationship...not that we fight all the time or anything like that but we are quite passionate about stuff...Hope things don't get out of hand...like it has in the past...They fight over me and it sucks. Family huh?...gotta love em!



I'm looking at my living room and you would never know that I just cleaned the entire room before writing this. My rotten little rugrats have struck again...lol!...well better clean  it again...lol!



CIAO!



posted by: jayah | 29 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












only tequila! dammit!
Monday 12.06.04 [2:55 am] delete entry | edit entry



Well I have officially sworn off any other liquor other than..TEQUILA or CORONA! Went to the company party last night and was so annoyed to see there was no tequila..so I drank whiskey...sucked! With dinner we had Australian wine..which made me think of Rinna...and I laughed! Kind of at a bad place too...people were looking at me a bit strange after that. I drank almost the whole bottle of white wine..and danced to a few songs and decided to call it a night...If there had been tequila I would have stayed and been the party!...I have shut that party down a few times and people were sad I was leaving.



My son was glad I came home early....so was I!...I really hate the feeling I got from crappy booze!...lol!



Well I found a few tattoo parlours here in Winnipeg...gonna do the rounds this week...see if there is anyone out there I like and trust to mark up my skin...lol!...one thing I don't like is all the "flash" you see at some of the older biker type places...I like original art...it is on you forever...do you really wanna see it on somebody else?...NOT ME!...



I will update soon bout the tattoo search...



*yawnz*...time for bed...see ya'll later...night!



posted by: jayah | 9 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












snow wash anyone?
Tuesday 12.07.04 [3:40 am] delete entry | edit entry



Well I was  in a good mood...I like snow...I just hate that people forget that it happens every year..I mean come on PEOPLE...THIS IS FREAKIN CANADA!!! We get snow stright across...



Anyways I see that the snow banks are getting nice and big...so I bundle up my kids and sent them outside. It wasn't too cold so I figured they would play for about half an hour...UMMMM APPPARENTLY NOT!...10 mins after I sent them out I hear crying...I look outside and see this: My daughter who is almost 4 throwing snow in her brothers face...he in 19 mos! He is completely pissed off and wont even come to the door for me to help him!...stubborn like his mum. We finally manage to coax him to the porch...I'm still in my pj's and was not going to run up to get dressed while he was freakin out. I ask him if he wants to come in now?...he doesnt talk much...but he understands everything. He nods with great emphasis! So we come in and I tell my daughter to play by herself now...she was kinda choked...I told her next time not to abuse your brother...he might want to play then...she wonders why he likes to pull her hair and chuck big heavy toys at her...lol!...poor kids...I'm an only child so this is all so very new to me.



My daughter is quite the character...this morn I woke up to her telling me she had had breakfast already...cookie d-oh ice cream! Kid is too dammed funny. Yesterday was granola bars and cheerios in yogurt!...What gets me is she is quite clean about it...lol!...ROTTEN LITTLE ANGELS! GOD I LOVE MY KIDS!



posted by: jayah | 15 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












they got em!
Sunday 12.12.04 [1:49 pm] delete entry | edit entry



Well the Christmas season is in full swing...all the weirdos are out! I hate shopping at this time of year. I go first thing in the morning and get it done!...But I havent done a darn thing yet!



Anyone want to come babysit?..I pay well!...lol!



Well I found out the best news! My best friends Sarah and her hubby decided to adopt the twins! I'm so freakin happy for them! Two boys...they are gonna be VERY busy! LOL! I'm going to go home in the new year to meet them, should be a good time...



Called home last night and my friend Kurt(not maddox) had called! We haven't spoken in three years! He had a gurl that wasn't cool with us being friends...and she was crazy..so I just let him be. I knew he would find me one day...I'm so glad! My dad filled him in on the newest stuff in my life and told him he would get me to call soon...



We have been friends since high school..he is like my little brother...nothing romantic at all. I think of him often and wonder if he is ok. He is one of those people that attract trouble..so I hope the news he has to tell me is not too bad...



Snow and Ice everywhere! It's crazy out there...I'm stayin in today! One of those watch  movies days. Hmmm think I'll watch Van Helsing...I love Vampires!



Looks like my week is lookin up! Yay! it's about time!



L8R kids!



posted by: jayah | 6 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 










*yawn*
Tuesday 12.14.04 [12:42 am] delete entry | edit entry



Holy cow!...It's freakin cold! Dammit!



Well I watched Van Helsing last night...laptop on my legs(warm) laying in my bed. Hugh Jackman is fuckin sexy as hell...I love his smile...nice teeth! I loved him in X-men too...yummy...freaky...ok really I need to get out of my house...Too freakin cold!...ahhhh I'm a wimp this year!



I haven't done nearly half of my shopping and I have the smallest list ever...since high school...don't ask me what happened. I have no idea!...I just cleared out the vermin...lmao!



Now I'm going to watch Point Break for the umpteenth time...hehehe...don't know whats gotten into me..but i like it!



So ciao for now!...



 

posted by: jayah | 5 comments (view/add) StaticLink


 

 
one more ppl!
12.19.04 (11:03 pm)   [edit]

One more after this!














hold it..the grudge!
Monday 11.22.04 [2:32 pm] delete entry | edit entry



Call me behind the times but I just got to the movies last night and I saw "The Grudge"...well holy shit!..I actually jumped a couple of times!...which is basically unheard of for me! I love stories like this..about cultural beliefs and superstitions.



I read reviews on this movie and lots of good things were said so I decided to see it..although I'm not a very picky movie critic. This was truly a great movie..way better than "The Ring" which barely held my attention.. The music was classic scary movie stuff..but the sound effects were so good they had me looking around my car interior on the way home..going 120km/hr I might add!...lol! Couldn't wait to get home...At least I didn't have trouble falling asleep...wonder how my friend did...lol!...she is a bit of a chicken!...I'm pretty desensitized to horror and violence..but I tell ya have a couple of  kids and something changes a bit. Don't ask me why I have no idea it just does.



OK SO PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK IS THE SCARIEST MOVIE YOU EVER SAW IS!...and leave some suggestions..I'm all alone this week..perfect to scare the crap outta myself!!



oh and Frosty...sorry the orange is stayin..ya never asked nicely...lmao!



posted by: jayah | 7 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












VIOLET DREAMS
Sunday 11.07.04 [1:43 am] delete entry | edit entry



..well this is interesting...



I fell asleep briefly on the couch and had a pretty weird dream...here it is... 



I'm walking on a path that leads me through some trees and ends at a lake..the moon is shimmering on the water..i'm mesmerized. I  find a bench and sit down..still looking at the water.It's a bit cool so I zip up my jacket. As I'm sitting there I feel like someone is watching me..I turn around and look...I see nothing...turn back to the water. I hear bats fly by over my head..I laugh to myself..I love bats. I see someone approaching me coming from the path I left.It is a man. I watch the water and watch his progress too..can't be too careful these days. He is about 15 feet away and I look at him..his eyes are violet!..How can i see them?..it's too dark! He stops walking and stares at me...they are violet!I turn to look at the water quickly to break the stare..and when I look back he is right beside me."Hello" he says "nice evening isn't it?". " Ummm..y-y-yes it is" I stammer.I'm starting to feel uncomfortable now..so I stand up to leave and he grabs my hand. Shivers run through my body...my head snaps to look at him. He has beautiful eyes..another shiver runs through me..I sit down hard..."Sir may I have my hand back please?". He looks at me and smiles..."not just yet".



So there I sit holding this mans hand, terrified and in wonder of the moon.What does he want?..My mind is racing..I'm sure he can hear my heart pounding."I'm not gonna hurt you" he says with a smile. I look at him and all fear leaves me. He releases my hand and I stay there. I keep looking at the water. He is looking at me..I can feel him stare at me. He askes me why I am here..I dont understand why he is asking me this so I look at him. He places his hands on my face and kisses me. I am dizzy from it and close my eyes. He stops and I open my eyes. He is gone!..I look all around the lake..all the shadows seem to be moving..where did he go? I run over to the first streetlight on my left and peer into the darkness. I can't see anything. I return to the bench and sit down..wow I'm losing my mind..there was nobody here!..I take out my cell and dial my friend..she can keep my crazy ass company as I walk home. She answers on the first ring breathless. "Where are you?" she yells into the phone..ouch! "I'm just walking home from the lake,why?" She starts rambling on to me that a man with violet eyes was at the house looking for me and I need to get home NOW! Now I'm freaking out..I look around the lake and into the dark as much as possible..I still see nothing.



I start running to where my street meets the path and I can see my house..my friends are in the window watching for me..I run even faster!..I feel someone watching me again and as I get to the front step I turn around. I see him!..He is on the other side of the street..my friends see where I'm looking and rush to open the door to get me in. I wont go in..I sit on the step and watch him watch me. There are people everywhere but they never seem to block my view..He smiles at me..I shiver again.



WHO IS THIS MAN?!



and i wake up....this dream is driving me crazy...grrrrrr!
any ideas?....i'm a loopy lady i think!...lol!



posted by: jayah | 13 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












grrr...
Saturday 11.06.04 [1:15 am] delete entry | edit entry


well i feel like i've been gone forever!...my life is out of control..too much to do and way to little time!...and when yer heart is broken things take even longer...
I'm not talking abour myself..im talking about my very best friend in the whole world..next to you kiki of course! My girl cannot have her own kids naturally so her and her husband are in the process of adoption. There is a possibility on the horizon and everyone who will not have to deal with the kids has already made up their minds..they HAVE to get these kids!..well im a mom and i went throughall the things that she is going through but my kids were MINE...i pushed em out and they are rotten little stinkers and i love them like crazy..We have a connection..so when they really rip my shorts its ok cuz their mine..i will never have to deal with the fact that i might hear "you're not my mom"or" you cant tell me what to do"..well i'll probably get the later bur it will not be accompanied by the former..

So what im saying is people who get adopted kids have a harder road ahead of them and it seems to me they should really be sure that they want to venture there. The family around my friend have for gotten that the reality is much different than the dream of having kids..granted the kids are not newborns..so the issues will be different..
The decision still lies with the one who will be staying home with the kids and being the primary care giver.NOT THE FAMILY SURROUNDING HER!(or him)

I want my best friend to be happy in whatever she chooses..and i will stand by what she does..because only she knows what she can deal with!..I wish I was back home to be there for her...people need to mind their own business and let them make up their own minds...


posted by: jayah | 6 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












quick change...
Friday 11.19.04 [11:47 pm] delete entry | edit entry



Ok so I did a revamp of my blog colors!....since winter is coming I felt like having a bit of a brighter screen to look at..if ya hate it let me know..and if ya love it tell me too!...might change it might not...depends how nice ya ask..I'm a sucker for sweetness...



I really love the the song MISSTAKE by HORRORPOPS!...my daughter loves it too..makes me play it over and over again...I also love DIRTY GLASS by THE DROPKICK MURPHYS...what's ur favorite song these days..tell me quick before the tequila kicks in...I know I said no more drinkin but I had to finish the bottle!...LMAO!...



posted by: jayah | 5 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












move it or lose it!
Monday 11.15.04 [3:07 pm] delete entry | edit entry



Time to get back to blogging regularly again!...I feel like such a slacker!



Well last tuesday my husband says to me "let's go to your parents, tomorrow night"! Well ok but my parents live two provinces away and he wants to drive through the night. I must admit it is much easier with the kids asleep but it is way harder to recoup when you have to be awake twice as long as usual...enough whining..I had tons of fun!

Gotta say I'm really glad we have this laptop to play movies..my gurl watched SHREK twice on the way...was dark and we couldn't play and games. My husband drove most of the way there...but he did need a break so I took over. I love to drive at night...except at this time of year when the wildlife is not contrasted with the snow!..WE HAVE NO SNOW!...very odd! Fellow Canadians don't we usually have shitloads at this time of year? I can't even think back to when we didn't have snow on the ground in november...what ever could be last year..can't remember either way...lol!

So here I am driving..kids are sleepin..so is "you know who" and sure as shit here comes the wildlife..he drove for like 10hrs and nothing...i drive for 3 and i get one an hour! WTF?!...First I get deer...thank goodness a trucker flashed his brights or I would have been clued out...and maybe dead!..THREE of em standing on the shoulder of the hi-way!.HONK,SWERVE..and proceed.

The next one was fuckin hilarious..I woke up the whole van laughin my ass off!
Dumbass raccoon in the middle of the road..sees me comin and does the little confused as to which way to go dance...Slow down,flash lights,swerve...proceed and lmao!...he finally chose to go back where he was comin from. Damn thing!
The next animal was a surprise...a COYOTE!..he comes a leaping up along side of the van and decides well this is a great place to cross..never mind the speeding metal things on the road!...stupid thing! I actually had to slam on the brakes...raccoon ok..i'll hit em..not too much damage..but a coyote is too big..well this guy was anyways. JEEZ! now were are all REALLY awake and I'm pissed the animals chose me to torture with their appearances!...

We got to my parents on Rememberance Day just before all the ceremonies blocked roads and shit!...and I slept like the dead for 4hrs...

I went to Saraphina's house and watched the O.C...and relaxed sans kids OR husband!...FINALLY!



I will post about friday night later on...soon though!..it was interesting...



posted by: jayah | 7 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












LET ME HELP YOU BABY!
Thursday 11.18.04 [1:51 am] delete entry | edit entry


Well ok time to blog about my Friday last week.

Seeing as I almost never get to see my friends we had to get together. So Sarahphina, Aaron, Angela and I went to the bar…I got all dolled (which I don’t get to do very often). A low cut tanktop and some make up -up was enough to drive my husband crazy so I put on another shirt over it. Some nice jeans and zipped up my boots and got into the truck.

When I got in I asked where are we going?...Sarah answered The Standard….Ummm where the hell is that?..She says Barry T’s..you know Barry’s Disease! Oh yeah the who the fuck is Barry bar. Great place! I was a bit of a drive so we all got to talking bout the good old days..only Angela wasn’t an old friend.

We get to the bar and we are told it’s ladies night..oh lovely..never liked that shit when I was younger don’t like it now! Stupid silly boys prancing around in their underwear trying to get attention…LAME! I have better things to do with my money…like drink!...lol! So Aaron has to go to another section of the bar behind a curtain…I found him and kept going back to talk to him till they let the boys back in. So then the attack of the stripper boys started. This poor cute boy tried his best to get me to pay him for a lap dance..but to no avail!...he was cute looked like Seth Cohen from the O.C..with tattoos…

Speaking of tattoos..the waitresses were offering spray on tattoos…that’s why every girl there had one..well seeing as mine was hidden under that dammed shirt..I got one too…with sparkles too…SILLY HUH? I was out to have fun so I was going to do it dammit!

Then magic to our ears we hear that hi-balls are a buck a piece!..Well hot damn guess who’s getting smashed!...yes ME!...whoohoo! I got a few shots of tequila (of course)..and rye and ginger for the rest of the night! After the boys got to come over to the main part again I started to look for a hot gurl for Aaron. He is a cutie and I love him..so we check gurls out..turns out we still have the same taste! We spotted a cute little blonde and she promptly started to hang around us and dance with us. When Dirrty came on I grabbed her by the waist and brought her to the dance floor. We were dancing close like gurls do and suddenly we see we are surrounded by boys(now I’m callin em boy cuz they are less than 23). What is this?...we kinda pair off with them and one boy is left out…awww. After about 20 seconds I realize why they are there..my over shirt has fallen down my shoulders and my boobs are hard to miss…never fails!...lol! Well they wanna play ok! I have left many a boy on the dance floor with a problem and this was not going to be an exception! So I dance with this boy who’s face come up to my boobs (of course)why the people in that bar were all so short evades me..but whatever! Song finishes and I leave to go pee. Poor boy looks at me with pained eyes..awww. I grab the blonde and go and as we walk back to our table and see three roaring faces…NICE FRIENDS HUH?

When I come back from the potty numb ass and all..gurls you know what I mean…lol! LOOK WHO IS WAITING FOR ME? Guess I made an impression or something so I danced with him again. I ask him love how old are ya?..he says 21..he says may I ask how old you are?..polite little boy!..i tell him 29 be 30 in about a month..he looks at me hugs me and tells me I’m the hottest girl my age he’s ever seen! CUTE but love I’m immune to those comments ur not getting shit from me baby!...lmao! silly boy!

I get the blondes number and we get ready to take my drunk ass home and boy was I ever! I’m sure I was talking on the way home but I can’t remember what I was talking about…

All in all I had a blast and I wasn’t hung over just really tired..not sick!..phew! Considering my husband decided to drive home Saturday night! Wtf I had shit to do I still had to get to IKEA and plus all the packing..well we managed to get it all done and we left at 9pm and got back home at 2:30pm Sunday afternoon..we drove all night.
I never wanna do that again…unless the kids are older and we can travel during the day!

NOW I CANT WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN..NO DRINKIN THOUGH…LMAO!

CIAO KIDS!


posted by: jayah | 4 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












777777777777
Saturday 11.20.04 [11:58 pm] delete entry | edit entry













You Are the Enthusiast


7
You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you.




 


 


well I never thought I was an enthusiast!


posted by: jayah | 4 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












STOP THE WEIRDNESS!
Sunday 11.21.04 [12:49 pm] delete entry | edit entry



OMG!..will someone please tell me why being with a room full of kids is so dammed tiring?...I took my daughter to a birthday party yesterday and whooo!..i got a splitting headache...a loud little bunch!



So I had some whiskey and went to bed early..was wanting to go out but the plans never materialized!...*pouts*..wanted to go play pool or see a movie but NOOOOOO!...lol!...oh well thats the way the mop flops!



Hmmm..and to all who are thinkin I'm drinkin often..keep your comments to yourselves!...lol! I'm not!..just haven't drank for years..plus the fun of it wears off quickly..So don't leave get some help comments..I had one shot..with my pizza..barely felt it at all.



I had a dream that I don't remember but I remember the feeling. I woke up feeling safe and warm...but I had kicked off all my covers..weird huh?..I was actually freezing but my dream kept me warm.



I am searching for happiness
To feel the warmth
Of your arms around me
To keep me focused in this world



The sun on my face
A warm embrace
My eyes close..to feel
The power of the stars



In my mind i see
The things i need
To live well and to love
I see you...and what do you see?



I'm feeling a little odd today



But I'm loving the song Lil rude girl bt Lars Fredriksen and The Bastards...



 



posted by: jayah | 3 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












Christ!
Sunday 11.28.04 [3:16 am] delete entry | edit entry


Well I have finally seen it!...Tonight I watched "The Passion of The Christ" It was a fantastic movie...so well done. I see now why people were so disturbed about the whole thing. So much hurt and betrayal. It amazes me to think how little we have progressed since those barbaric times...I still feel sick from watching it and I hope I'm still thinking abouit it tomorrow!


posted by: jayah | 4 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












INTERNET GONE??!!
Friday 11.26.04 [2:19 am] delete entry | edit entry



OMG!...I start alot of blogs this way but really this is an OMG! moment. My husband just came home from working out of town, what a lovely break. I had problems with this laptop...the powercord was fucked up so thats why I haven't been here in a few days..Let me tell ya it was brutal..so I tell him that i missed my computer and he says..."IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE INTERNET STOPPED WORKING?" Well holy shit I almost passed out!..WTF?..what a terrible thing to say to someone! I was very unimpressed...I mean ok I guess I would live but it would not be pretty...and I don't NEED the computer..imagine those whose livelihoods rely on it?....Oh what a mean thing to make me think of...I have made some really great friends that I would never have met otherwise...BAH! don't wanna think of it anymore!



This is a great thing...My son...he is 18 mos old and so freakin cute!...he was sleeping on the couch face down and shoved in the corner...he wiggles his way over there even if I move him out. He wakes up quite sad...don't know why but probably has to do with missing his dad. He does't talk much cuz his sis does all the talkin for them both but he wakes up and says "mum"..."MUM"...starting to get pannicky and then he finally sees me not two feet away. He crawls into my lap and wraps his little arms around my neck. Well I melted..he is so sweet! He rested his little head on my shoulder breathing on my neck and hugged me tight. He is not like this usually...he is a big toughie...but this is a good thing. He says "mumma" smiles at me and closes his eyes and goes right back to sleep. These are the times when being a MOM is the absolute best! I would not trade them for the world...no freakin way!...



My daughter has just discovered she is scared of trees...well actually the shadows we see through the window...funny thing is I had the exact same fear at her age...my mom delighted in telling me what a silly kid I was!...Seems like she is going to be like her mom...my poor girl! Well at least she has more comprehension skills than I did. She is way too smart for her own good..she knows the words of songs better than I do...so I have to be careful what I play around her now...no hardcore punk...just radio stuff!....dammit!



Anyways kids I gotta go...smallest brat wants his mom...and who am I  to refuse him?...lol



SEE YA'LL LATER!



posted by: jayah | 11 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












LEMME AT EM!
Sunday 11.28.04 [6:08 pm] delete entry | edit entry



AHHHHHHHH!.........CRAP!



It's that time of year again!...Wal-mart is insane and Superstore is even worse...Do people really need to eat more often at this time of year? Why is there more annoying people?...who stop wherever they damn well please...never mind they just seperated me from my kids who are now freakin cuz they can't get back to me due to a shopping cart traffic jam! Poor kids! MAN I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME!



That was the last time I take the  with me till the new year...too dammed crazy. Now comes the insanity of who to buy for and how much to spend!...I have a very big extended family so if we all buy for each other I will have to remortgage my house. Thank GOD we decided to pick names and put a amount to spend...To me Christmas is a time for family...not how much loot ya get! My birthday,my dad's birthday and my parents anniversary are in december and my daughter's birthday is in january...So to me this is a very special time of year!...I can't wait!



Well gotta go make dinner...for my hungry little creatures..CYA L8R KIDS!



posted by: jayah | 6 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 










Don't fall out baby!
Tuesday 11.30.04 [2:20 am] delete entry | edit entry



Was just reading Beavsgrl's blog and she reminded me of a situation that happened to me about two years ago.



I had just visited my midwife and she checked me and the belly over..we were perfect..heartbeat, blood pressure..all perfect! Went to Taco Bell on the way home and had fries supreme...total pregnant thing for me...both times, weird huh? Got home let my mother in-law go home and went to have a nap with my daughter. She was almost 2 and needed a pretty good nap still. Which I loved! We slept for 3 hrs and woke up just when her dad came home. I was so sick with this pregnancy I did nothing in the kitchen if I could help it. I even went upstairs to avoid cooking odors. He bbq'ed a steak for me...and made the rest of the dinner up up for the two of them...I felt yucky so I layed down on the couch.



Now a silly thing about being sick when you are pregnant...it' s actually a good sign...means you have lots of hormones making you wanna stay pregnant. Just not keep ur dinner down! So I was thinkin...wow this sucks but I guess I'm good and knocked up!



The evening goes on and I still feel like absolute shit. Hubby puts girl to bed and falls asleep on her floor. We were just getting her used to her own room. She liked her little bed..just missed me.



I get up to go pee...bladder the size of a pee while pregnant...and WTF?...I feel warm liquid running down my legs. I'm thinkin I didn't have to pee that bad!..Then I realize what is happening...the baby is falling out!...I run the last few steps to the toilet and there is blood everywhere!...HOLY SHIT!...Now what do I do?...I look over at the toilet paper roll...almost done..and there is no more in here. Guess I gotta wake him up. He is upstairs and I  don't want to wake my girl up. So I call him as loud as I can with out yelling...people who know me know I can yell LOUD!...I'm in pain now and I'm sad and happy too. Happy because feeling like I do when I'm pregnant is terrible and I would not wish it on anyone. Sad because I did really want this baby.



It takes me almost 10 minutes to wake him up..and no it would not have been easier if I would have been right beside him...sleeps like a rock...under water! I tell him as he starts to stumble down the stairs to bring me some towels and fresh clothes. He goes back up and brings what I asked for. I finally get back to the couch and call my midwives. I am having contractions regularly and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. They tell me to go to emergency. Well I can't drive and we had no money for a taxi that far...see my daughter was sleeping and it was 2:30 in the morning.



Well I guess I will call A . I'm sure she will help...we have been friends forever. I call her and her husband answers...He was my friend before her so I appologize profusely and ask to speak to her. He says no prob and hands the phone to her. I start to cry and ask her "I need to go to the hospital, I think I'm having a miscarriage. Can you please come and sleep on my couch while we go?" She takes a deep breathe and says "NO!...I have to work in the morning, and I have to get my son off to school!" I sit there stunned looking at the phone. Did I just hear that right? She yelled at me...and didn't even ask if I was ok. This is what people who have known each other for longer than 10yrs do? HUH?



Then I get a little snippy and say "well thanks for nothing!..GOODNIGHT!" I hang up and my husband goes upstairs to wake up our daughter at 2:45 am to take her with us. We did not know our neighbors..we had just moved in and no one else lived close enough to be able to help us.



We get to emerg and they check me out...The doc is so nice he says he thinks this will continue till morning and do I need help telling my husband the baby is gone? I say yes because I knew he would be mad..cuz the week before I had said I wished I wasnt pregnant anymore so I could just live normally again. The doc tells him and he sends us home. He tells me I will have an ultrasound at 10 am to make sure nothing is left inside. Oh great! My daughter was an absolute angel and since it was not busy the nurses were keeping her quite happy. They just loved her curly hair.



Get home take a bunch of tyelenol and notice my symptoms of pregnancy are going away...now I'm really sad and start to think about A. She has said to me days before she would be there for me whenever I needed her to be...GUESS NOT! BITCH!..I fall asleep thinkin about how much she sucks.



Go to the ultrsound and the tech was really nice too. She says "so you had some bleeding right?" as she run the thing over my sore tummy. I say yes I did...Then she turns to me and says..well the baby is still in there...look!.WTF? Holy shit!...are you serious? She shows me the screen and sure enough there it is waving at me!...Saying hi I guess. If I hadn't been laying down I would have passed out!...WOW! She tells me there is a sack of blood right next to it. Might have been twins or a condition called Sub-chorionic Haemorrage. Oh i say...too stunned to think. In the few hours that I thought the baby was gone I was trying to deal with it. It was such and odd feeling that came over me...a warmth that was from inside. The same feeling I had had with my daughter! THIS BABY WAS GOING TO LIVE!



When I got home I started to think why A reacted the way she did..then it hit me! She had a miscarriage when I was still back home in Alberta and no one was able to be with her..she took the bus and a cab to and from the hospital. She was punishing me for not being there for her. Every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just say "oh that stuff happens...can't dwell on it!" I dont think she ever really got over that.



I didn't speak to her till she called..TWO days later to see how I was doing. I hung up on her after I told her I was busy. I didn't speak to her for over a year but when I did I gave her a hug like old days and went on my way. She isn't a bad person...Just not the type of friend I need!



I will call her again this year...We are her daughters Godparents...and we miss them all.



THAT BABY WAS MY SON..HE IS HAPPY HEALTHY AND VERY ACTIVE!...I AM SO VERY GLAD HE MADE IT HERE TO MY ARMS!....rotten little stinker that he is...I love him to bits!...he is looking down my shirt right now!...lol!



Oh yeah twins run in the family...so I'm thinkin long and hard about doint that again!...lol



posted by: jayah | 9 comments (view/add) StaticLink

 
it worked
12.19.04 (10:56 pm)   [edit]

Well this worked so I'm just going to move the rest over...phew...too much clickin and copyin...dammit!..lol!


















religion and sex!!!
Friday 10.01.04 [7:24 am] delete entry | edit entry



wow am i annoyed! why do people still insist on shoving religion downs our throats?
my husband is a born again...i...am not! this makes for very heated arguments! this is the main reason we fight..oh and the fact that we're not really friends!
RELIGION KILLS GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!
when you try to censor and control what people do or believe it blows up in your face! or as we are seeing on the news everyday someone blows you up!



listen i cant watch what i want,wear what i want....and so on! so im on strike! no more! he wasnt like this when we got married..he was just an asshole i shoudnt have married...now he is a religious asshole i dont want to be married to...
why cant i have someone to have fun and fuck and generally share life with that isnt a CRUSTY ASS? ok ok i know i picked him but he did a 180 since then. i hate the fact i cant do the things i find fun anymore! i was out of the music scene for so long because i couldnt listen to THAT around the kids! well now since i like to clean the house with music and he is never home...i play what i want and my kids love it! my daughter says "mum this is rock an roll right?" and my son just stomps on the floor shaking his head...its so awesome!



we are so lucky in todays world to have choices...i made mine and im not sure that we will be able to work this shit out!



anyways i realized why some people are bi...you know what your sex wants...usually! maybe i need to find me a woman!...hmmm! its much nicer to kiss girls than guys...all soft and wet and...*shakes head* whoo..you get it im sure! im thinkin it would be better..guys are damn annoying...maybe if they didnt talk? that might be ok. dont get me started on sexuality and religion..i wont stop blogging!all i want is some action with someone hot and sexy...dont we all?



i leave now to sleep...ALONE! good night all!



posted by: jayah | 17 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












damn cold!!!!
Saturday 10.02.04 [3:20 am] delete entry | edit entry



well i don't know what happened to summer this year! feels like we only had a week or so of really nice weather...considering running away to cali or some island! its damn freezing here today! like 5 degrees celsius...halloween wont be too fun if kids gotta wear damn snowsuits...lovely i can just hear it"mommy i gotta go pee, help me"!



ahh the winter season approaches...runny noses and frozen fingers and toes...shovelling huge mounds of snow and skating and snowball fights and face washes in the snow bank...oh im gonna have so much fun..cant wait to build a snow fort with my kids!



this will be the first year i can actually play with my kids in the snow with out worrying if the baby is cold! he can tell me  now!



well i should go..kids are wigging out...its bedtime for them!



ciao!



posted by: jayah | 2 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












SURVEY KIDS!
Saturday 10.02.04 [6:18 am] delete entry | edit entry



lifted this from googirl...





1. Name: Jayah
2. Nicknames: Vamp,Slinky
3. Do you have a crush?: yup but i shouldnt..im married
4. Significant other? yup
5. Age you act: 25
6. Where Do You Live: Winnipeg
7. Where you want to live: not here! 
8. Birthplace: Montreal
9. Favorite Salad Dressing: poppyseed
10. Ever gone skinny dipping? Yup
11. What are you watching? : Point Break...mmm tattooed flesh!





12. Last person you talked to: my baby
13. Favorite movie: Empire Records..
14. Favorite Book: The Fire Withen or Center Line
15. Favorite Type of music: Punk.metal...some top 40..erk!
16. Favorite types of cars: '60&70s muscle cars
17. Favorite Saying: "That rips my shorts" 
18. Favorite Fast Food: Koya Japan
19. Favorite Ice Cream: Cherry cheescake
20. When Do You Go To Sleep: What the hell is that?!..when i pass out!
21. Most Embarrassing Moment: Falling on runway and taking another model out on my way down....was funny too!
22. Stupidest Person you know: Tammy
23. Loudest Person You Know: Um...ME!
24. Favorite holiday: My birthday
25. Favorite Food:  Japanese..of Italian
26. Favorite Song: Solitary Man by H.I.M

27. Favorite Television Show: Charmed
28. Favorite Radio Station: Chronic station flipper
29. Favorite junk food: Chocolate..and cheetos

Have You Ever...
1. Done Drugs: yup
2. Run Away From Home: Yup
3. Hit A Guy: Yup
4. Lied: Yup
5. Stolen Anything: Yup..got busted too!
6. Broken A Bone: Yup toes really hurt!
7. Cheated On A Test: Nope..yup..i lie remember?
8. Cheated On A Significant Other: Not physically..emotionally..
9. Gotten Drunk: Yup
11. Been In The Hospital: Yup..wont catch me there giving birth ever again..IM STAYING HOME!!!
12. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: Yup..on my knee too
13. Fell asleep in the shower/bath: Nope
14. Gone to Church: Yup
15. Never slept during a night: All the time.
16. Ever been on a motorcycle or motorbike: Yup
17. Been to a camp: Yup
18. Sat in a restaurant w/o ordering: Yup
19. Didn't wash your hair for a week: Never..would never be able to brush it again
20. Broken something valuable?: Yup
21. Thought you were in love: un huh
22. Streaked the streets: Don't think so
23. Screamed at someone for no reason: Yup..do i need a reason?
24. Said I love you and meant it: Yup a million times..to my kids
25. Been hurt by a guy/girl you loved: Yup...still hurting
26. Stayed up till 4 am on the phone: Yup..even later
27. Pulled a prank?: Sure
28. Made fun of someone? Yes but thats not nice


Which Is Better...
1. Coke Or Pepsi: Rootbeer
2. Cats Or Dogs: Dogs
3. DVD's or VHS: DVD
4. Deaf Or Blind: Deaf
5. Pools Or Hot Tubs: Pool
6. Television Or Radio: TV
7. CDs Or MP3's: CDs im still low tech
8. Apples or oranges: Can't allergic
9. Strawberries or Blueberries: Strawberries
10. Gold or silver: Silver or White gold
11. Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate
12. Movies or music: Both
13. Park or Beach: Beach
14. Hot or Cold weather? Both have their place 
15. Sunset or Sunrise? Sunset

When is the Last Time You...
1. Took a shower: 4hrs ago.
2. Cried: Tuesday
3. Watched a Disney movie: Yup almost everyday
4. Been to the movies: Yup two weeks ago...going tomorrow
5. Danced: In my kitchen everyday
6. Did a survey like this: Stupid question..OF COURSE!



posted by: jayah | 2 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












drunk like 22!
Sunday 10.03.04 [6:00 am] delete entry | edit entry



Well tonight i went out with my husband! what a concept! tomorrow is our six year wedding anniversary...cant believe it! seeing as it is on a sunday we decided to go out tonight,oh brother did things get stupid!
He was supposed to make reservations...but nooooo! so we went from restaurant to restaurant...and ended up at you guessed it mc fuckin donalds!LOVELY! why dont guys just get it we feel loved when you go to a little trouble for a nice evening. then we topped it off with a cheap movie....this is where it gets better!



He says to me "i have a present for you." i say "oh and what is it?" and he hands me a jose cuervo shot glass...im thinkin YAY! he bought me a bottle of tequila! how awesome is that! he hands me the bottle and its the especiale...the best in my eyes..tastebuds whatever. so here we are in the paarking lot of the theatre,in the jetta,doing shots like we were 22 again! OMG! i so dont get many chances to drink..so after like three im feeling good...a few more and im so happy i cant contain myself! this is what the relationship needs! me to be drunk on tequila all the time...oh shit...LOL!



Now its time to go in...im not feeling the full effect yet but i can feel it coming. standing in line i start to feel it...im hot so i take off my coat...and smack some lady right in the boob!...oops im so sorry! feeling so good now!hmmm gotta pee....trip over ppl to get to the can...and girls you know what i mean when i say you know you're loaded when your ass is numb! so here i am laughing cuz my ass is numb and he is waiting outside laughing cuz he can hear me!
so we finally get into the movie"predator VS alien"....been wating for this one for years..so im totally stoked! i enjoyed it but that might have been cuz i was loaded...i'll have to see it sober to be sure....the predators are cool! good effects!



anyways im tired and drunk so if there are mistakes or words missing i appologize i will fix it tomorrow...if i remember!



GOOD NIGHT ALL!
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;    ciao!



posted by: jayah | 13 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












all me now!
Tuesday 10.05.04 [5:10 am] delete entry | edit entry



ok today was a productive day...for once in who nows how freakin' long! actually did laundry..started bread and fed my brats all before 10am...well holy shit! helps when the phone is ringing and you have brats jumping on the bed (and your hair..dammit that hurts) to wake you up at the disguting hour of 8am!



so im fuckin lazy...why do you care? i shower every day..do the dishes and all that shit a house wifey is supposed to do!......with the exception of sex...i refuse to fuck someone i dont really like! i mean come on ya gotta have that feeling..you know the one where you get that little tiny tingle of excitement..and your mind takes you to where your body already is....um no that dont happen no more round here kids!



so this is what i've decided...seeing as the world is totaly fucked up and ppl are too...im gonna wait and see and be open to what ever lands within my reach..between hurricanes,floods,fires and now VOLCANO erruptions...life is to damn short to not do the things ya want...do ya feel me?



im tired of taking my life laying down(alone..lol)so im gonna be a little more hedonistic and see how much trouble i can get into...ok ok while still respecting my children or course! they are too precious to me to mess them up...I promise i wont drag strange ppl trough their lives!!!!!! and i wont leave them alone all the time either!



hmmm...ok now im gonna go and see what i come up with! if ya'll have ideas let me now...remember im OPEN now!



ciao!



posted by: jayah | 17 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












screwed again!
Wednesday 10.06.04 [6:39 pm] delete entry | edit entry


ok well after my little freak out the other day i realized that im still in love with that man from the south! i cant get him out of my head...and i wish he was here all the time!
now i know life with him would be hard and interesting and there would be lots of sex...just what i need! dont know how to do it anymore its been that long...lol! why does life take you into these weird directions? it always happens when your weak..believe me i now know why ppl cheat and i probably would have done it already physically if he wasnt so far away...you see my life is screwy right now...we dont know what to do about our relationship(me and my husband) he still wants me and i dont want him! we are at a stand off! i dont want to leave on bad terms...i refuse to fight over our kids...but sometimes i feel like packing up and driving to cali! i just gotta do this right...there are ways to do this properly...its just really hard!
i see why poeple just give up and run away...i want to! but i owe it to myself and my kids and my husband to do this right!
how can one put the love you feel for someone else out of your mind?
how does it happen in the first place?
how will i ever get out of this mess?
how did i get so screwed again?!    ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH!!!!! !!!!!!


posted by: jayah | 6 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












i thank you
Friday 10.08.04 [6:33 pm] delete entry | edit entry



well i couldnt answer all the wonderful ppl that stopped by to read about my scewy life! so i figured i would do it here.



now ya'll know who ya are so here it is.....THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! for all the suggestions and lack of judgement. i so appreciate it! i realised that it is only a matter of me making the most difficult decision in my life! hmmm....not so easy to do when you dont even know where to start....i have lived my life for the last 4 or 5 yrs just going through the motions..being nice when im supposed to wearing what im asked to and just really being busy being a mom.



i am glad im a stay at home mom. i want to raise my kids and im very lucky to be able to do so..but i think i was unprepared for how i would really deal with myself. im a extermely outgoing person who loves ppl and loves to talk and when you have no adults to talk to...well ya forget how to talk like a GROWN-UP! and you start to feel numb(i only speak for my experience) so much so ppl stop talking to you about the important stuff because it doesnt register anymore.



i always wanted to have a big family...im an only child...but i now realise tthat in order to do that i will have to do some hard work and alot of soul searching to see if it really is a possibility for me. i have two kids..a daughter who is going to be FOUR!(wow) and a son who is almost 1 1/2. right now they are plenty to keep me busy and laughing.



children change everything! for me it started when i was pregnant...i was already thinking about things that would be part of my life now...my husband would often say "hello are you here?" i didnt even realize that i was already planning and thinking things through. now being who i am i EXPECT things to go my way and when they dont i have an extermely difficult time bouncing back from that. that has reflected in my relationships everywhere.



now im a firm believer that children are the best teachers! they teach you where your buttons are and where those lines in the sand are.  it can be a very painful thing to see your true nature! but in order to survive and nurture your family ya gotta fight against that discouragement that sometimes accompanies. i know my children are a gift to me and my husband...but sometimes those gifts are a pain is the ass! i have decided i will not have anymore children...until and if i ever feel capable to do so in the right spirit. i was never a person who wanted to have kids just because thats what ppl do...i love them and i always have...i started taking care of children when i was 8...the boy i took care of is my cousin and he is now 21..and he still says i love you! so even as we were growing up together we are still friends and we respect each other! i want that with my kids too and that is much harder!



next topic: the OTHER man!
i have been found out...by my sister in law. she will not tell and im not sure what to do about this! i dont want to hurt my husband but i have told him repeatedly what i need in this relationship and he either doesnt get it or want to try. i dont know which it is. an this man i love(and i do) we have not met in person ever! my sister in law may be very worried...she did not see her now husband in person for a long time. and they are now married and have a beautiful baby boy! i think she knows how this can be so real!
i have no idea at all what to do about the mess i have created. now i also know(now) that when you dont get what you need ...you go looking for it...im not saying that what i did is right...but im not sure i think its wrong either...how can you figure out what you need if you are not paying attention to your surroundings? i wasnt...this is when the door opens to this kind of crazy situation..so i f i may say this:PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION AND LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY AND DONT GIVE UP LIKE I HAVE...IT IS HARD TO GET BACK....



now a line from a great song from a great songwiter:sam roberts band...song: hard road.



i have a vision in my mind of a life that ive left behind
and cant you see that lost souls cant swim
you know you'll sink but you still jump in
and its alright to get caught
stealing back what you've lost
and dont you know that lost souls cant swim
you beat them or they drag you in

and i cant say im sorry for all my medicines...

This is the last line of the song and is very true:
BEEN DYING SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN
CAUSE THERES NO ROAD THAT AINT A HARD ROAD TO TRAVEL ON



So that is my deal for the day...maybe i will be back tonight...the time is all screwy on this thing...should fix that huh?



ciao kids!



back to the fight for my life!



posted by: jayah | 17 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












so thankful!
Tuesday 10.12.04 [5:16 am] delete entry | edit entry



ok kids i havent been here for awhile! been a little busy its turkey day here in Canada! so im feeling stuffed and tired...you know what they say about turkey!



anyways since its Thanksgiving...i thought i would write about the things im thankful for...so here goes:



um...turkey!
my kids
my parents(they rock!)
green grass
fall colours
long skirts in winter
tights
snow...very soon
sledding
the feeling you get when you really enjoy something
a movie that makes you cry..or hold your breath(i guess im fixated on breathing huh?)
my husband...these arent in any specific order ok people!
fresh baked bread
good book(and quiet to read it)
QUIET
music
flowers in a flower bed
the smell of rain(sorry Galvatron)
tequila(of course!)
my friends
a clean bathroom
a clean kitchen
pumkin pie(made by my mother in law..the best)
heated garages
the freedom to do what i need to
unconditional love
puppies
washing machines(front loaders rock)
modern medicine
midwives
organic meat...family farm...go zimmo
hot clean water
a furnace
firefighters
kisses from my kids in the morning



so thats all i have time for right now..im gonna fall into a turkey induced coma...LOL!



there is so much more to put on that list! i think i will just have to add more every once in awhile.....ohYEAH did i mention...im thankful for sleeping babies? CUZ THATS THE BEST! they look so sweet...awww!...*looks at snoring baby* cute and loud!...lol
goodnight...ciao!



posted by: jayah | 10 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












DAMMIT!
Wednesday 10.13.04 [8:07 am] delete entry | edit entry



OMG i hate this! i wrote for an hour and my son woke up...was writing about his birth...and in my rush to get him before he screams the house down...click..and POOF! its all gone..im so fucking mad...im going to bed..try again tomorrow...GRRRR!



GOODNIGHT DAMMIT!



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home birth!
Friday 10.15.04 [8:01 pm] delete entry | edit entry



ok now im gonna write about my sons birth so i can move on to the next thing...ok? i tried to write this out the other night but it didnt work out..grrrr! so im back!



i appologize for the lack of punctuation..but lets be honest...i would never get this done!



9pm...while talking to my best friends husband i get a wicked contraction(rub tummy in circles..it goes away)he sounded worried "dont worry mike im just pregnant"
9:15pm doula calls to see how im doing...im due in two more days..."im fine...just getting very strong braxton hicks"(practice contractions that can be painful)she says"hmmm ..ok im going to bed early tonight."
9:20pm..going to wal-mart.im bored and and vampire daughter who never sleep(like mommy) isnt tired yet..so off the three(four) or us go
9:30 walking around wally scaring people that im gonna pop right there..i was HUGE!
9:45..have a really good contraction..i gotta stop walking..stop..think nothing of it and keep on shopping...
10pm...she wants ice cream..so hubby says lets go to DQ.yummy ok!
10:20...get the ice cream and ewww!...i cant finish a small cone...huh?...what the hell?
10:45 we are back at home and hubby puts girl to bed and promptly falls asleep on floor..its friday and he had a very long week,lots of overtime..well fine sleep im gonna clean the kitchen...for those who have done this before ya know what i mean..i am NOT a neat freak my house USUALLY BORDERS ON MESSY! most of the time..so hmmm..nesting maybe?
11pm go pee and whoo hoo...bloddy show(sorry guys its a sign)
11:05 laughing to myself as i scrub down the kitchen and start the dishwasher...hehehe!
11:20 wow that was a good one..might have to call the mdwives soon...waiting...
11:30...im calling her before its too late...she was just going to sleep...she says to me "GO TO BED NOW...GET SOME SLEEP YOU SILLY WOMAN!"...ok i will soon just watching a show..be over in half an hour...
MIDNIGHT...i go to bed and try to sleep
12:10 contraction
12:20 contraction
12:30 contration
12:40 contraction
12:50 contraction
1am...you guessed it CONTRACTION!..ok no sleep i guess!baby is really coming! YAY!



i get up and page the miwife she says "ok heres the deal im at another birth...."WHAT?!!!"...no you didnt just say that...did you?...she tells me dont worry i have someone on the way to take over...i know you will give birth first...um yeah get over here woman...



by this time its 2:45...im going to take a shower..i tell that lump sleeping on the floor in my daughters room to get the birthing stuff down to the living room..and make me something to drink..ummmm red raspbery leaf tea...thanks!



ohhh..the water feels so good running over my tummy..baby likes it too can feel him stretching..i subconciously knew it was a boy...i stay in there till the hot water runs out...i dont know how long that was..but i have never done it since and i take long showers!



by the time i get out of the shower midwife no1(i will call her no1 from now on)is here and is setting up her stuff..i sit down on the couch and she listens to babys heart beat..sounds great! she says..its now 3:30.



just standing,walking,rocking and all the while rubbing my tummy in circles...i swear it really helps!..keep moving..be upright...4am...time to call doula..she says she be here in an hour..ok we'll see you when you get here..im still doing fine.



no1 calls no 2..there needs to be two when the baby is born..one for each or us. no1 says "i need to check you before no2 gets here because she will want to know how dialated you are and since you dont really know her you might be more comfortable with me" um yes i would! my original no2 had been at three births that week and was taking a well deserved break with her family.at this point you really dont want anyone putting their fingers anywhere near there..but when she told me i was at 6 almost 7cm..i was so glad..it took long for me to progress with my daughter!(thats a whole different story)...just as we finish no 2 walks in..



she is chinese and very well versed in traditional chinese medicine...since ppl were busy hubby making coffee and food for the midwives and doula...and us too if i wanted to eat(which i didnt)and no1 was writing in my chart..i asked no2 to PLEASE rub my back as i lean over the seat part of the couch..she has warm strong hands and i feel better right away!



my water has not broken yet and its starting to hurt my bladder...oh yeah..go pee..much better! its 4:55...doula walks in..she and my husband get the floor covered with a water proof tablecloth(dont start we threw it out after)and we take out the linens and set them up on the table...im too tired to walk so i just stand up over the safe spot(in case my water breaks..brand new carpet)and proceed to tell jokes and crack us all up for the next hour!



at 6am they check me and check the babys heart beat( they had been checking it every hour too)...im at 8cm..no1 asks can i break your water?...i think about it because i know if she does things will pick up fast...i tell her ok and after a bit of a struggle warm water al over the place..and it gets cold quick! so my doula gets me dry stuff to sit on and some thing to drink.



for those who dont know a DOULA is a birth companion who help with whatever you have deemed important to you and your family..help with other kids,husband..keepng relatives at bay..or just taking care of you rubbing your legs or back..in a hospital setting they can also speak for you if you are unable to do so..as per prior instructions of course. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND SOMEONE LIKE THIS!  it has been proven in many studies that having a doula cuts down labour time by up to 60%...wow huh?



7am...contractions have been steady and regular all the way through and now...i look at the people there and i say "i dont think this baby is coming today..."....they all look at each other and snicker..no1 asks "why dont you think its coming now?" i answer "because the contractions are getting further apart!" im almost hysterical now...THIS IS CALLED TRANSITION!..when you see a distinct pattern change.in labour pains and mood of mother. they inform me that im having contractions one on top of the other!...i was pas the point of feeling them...wow! the human body is amazing!



7:30am...they pull out the birthing chair..i lovingly call it "the contraction contraption"..i sit on it and things pick up even more...i can feel the head  just pressing on my pubic bone...NOT a good feeling..so i tell them i gonna push this head out of the way it hurts!..i push hard three or four times and then i yell "I WANNA GO.....AWAY!"  i was going to say home but i was already there...lol! 7:45 now...they all rallied around me with wet washcloths and encouraging words and i pushed some more..they had convinced me.



8:05 no1 checks and says to me do you wanna feel the head?...im like its there already?...i reach down and touch it..wow! it was a very weird feeling..numb..cant feel what is me or what is him...once again i marvel at the human body.



8:15..i push when i want to..and the baby is moving down slowly..
8:20..i m done with this now so i grab the birthing chair and push down as hard as i can...my husband on my left and my doula on my right...
8:24 i let out a yell hoping i didnt wake my daughter up! last thing i need is a little spectator..mommy what are you doing?..and so on..



8:25 he is out and they pass him to me!..im in awe that i did it, my husband is crying and my doula is taking pictures..i cant believe it as i look at him he looked like my dad only WHITE!..



i will write the rest later...!



posted by: jayah | 8 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












home birth part two
Friday 10.22.04 [7:51 am] delete entry | edit entry



OMG! i havent been here in forever..was so sick! ok on with it then!



So hes out,im stunned and the poor thing looks like my dad! the midwives give me a shot of pitocin to help with the bleeding(not that i needed it)and take him from me to look him over,makes sure hes ok. of course he is...they just suctionned a very little bit(not a good idea if ya plan on nursing)cleaned him up a bit weighed him(8lbs12oz) almost a pound bigger than my daughter..no wonder i was so huge! i got him back he was just 5min old..i put him on the boob and like a pro he nursed for 15min! i was so happy cuz things had not started off so well with my poor daughter!



9:30am my daughter gets up, peeks through the railing and says "oh mommy you got a baby!can i hold it?!"...aww shes so freakin cute i burst into tears.."of couse sweetie come down and meet your new brother!"but i wanted a girl baby!"..i laughed so hard...crying at the same time!



my doula took pictures and the midwives cleaned up and they helped me get comfy in MY bed! with my beautiful baby boy!(who is now rotten...lol)i couldnt believe how good i felt even though i had just given birth to a watermelon and not slept in 24 hours! quite a miracle for me...i love to sleep(and dream). but i felt so good i started calling people and telling them what i had been up to!..the responses were very funny!



1.um you just had a baby go to BED!
2.omg get off the phone you crazy girl!
3.shup up ya did not!
4.um arent ya tired?...i dont hear him...are ya sure?
5.did you plan to stay home?...you are insane!



 i could go on..but i wont!...lol!



after i calmed down a bit my husband and daughter went downstairs and me and the baby went to sleep!...i couldnt believe i had done it! probably feel asleep with a smile on my face.



the midwives came back to check on us many times in that first week and i was still at home..no strangers, i could tell people to go away or just not answer the door...it was the best!they even put up a birth announcement so people didnt bug us! 



i highly recommend the use of a midwife and i believe a doula is the only way to go..if anyone has any questions please feel free to ask..anything about birth or breastfeeding..my two favorite topics!



AND TO THOSE WHO DID NOT HAVE THIS KIND OF EXPERIENCE PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND:I DO NOT JUDGE YOU! I AM ALWAYS LEARNING...THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE "WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER,YOU DO BETTER!" any way we can bring babies into this world,while respecting them(they have only your voice)is an awesome thing! SO ROCK ON LADIES! WE WERE MADE TO DO THIS IF WE CHOOSE TO!



good night all!



posted by: jayah | 11 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












owee my achin feet!
Monday 10.25.04 [7:35 am] delete entry | edit entry



 hey now im back!



ok to those of you who have been reading my blog know im married and not too happy about.......so to attend a wedding this weekend was a hard thing for me to do....until i got there!

my friend and her guy were beaming!...they have been "together" as long as me and my husband have been married..6 dam long years!..so i did a reading at the church(the deacon told me at the rehearsal i better read slower or he'll give a a speeding ticket)...now im not big on church either but at least it was MY DENOMINATION!...it was actually nice to be there and be still(as still as you can be while keeping small creatures we call children quiet). it was a very nice ceremony...that girl is a detail girl! freakin insane how much thought she put into it all(and shes expecting her second baby) i did not speed read...phew! and after we dropped the kids off....i proceeded to pick the table of nice young ppl..like us!..well i picked the table of her oldest friends and they were wickedly loud and we had a blast! i fit right in!



now I LOVE TEQUILA! i drank tequila based drinks all night..baja rosa,tequila paralyzers...and much to the bartenders surprise...straight up on the rocks! he never met a woman like me!...add a few glasses of wine to that(only cuz the bar was closed during speeches) and i was properly smashed! i mean i havent drank like that for years..this was way more than my shitty anniversary!...and i dont even feel like crap today...yay! im thinkin i might do this again very soon!



im gonna be thirty in a couple of months and when i was shopping for clothes to wear to this shindig..the clerk asked if i was going to wear it to the bar this weekend?....huh? i asked her "really?..um how old do you think i am?"...this is good....she answers 24 maybe 25! OMFG i could have kissed her..when i told her im almost at "cougar" status she said no way! you need to come out with me and my friends!...i said so if i show up here and say were going out, you would take me with ya?...she looks around for the supervisor and says HELL YEAH!..now i shop there often and i have talked with her many times...and im pretty sure shes not hitting on me(but who really knows)...i think i may get out for a night on the town real soon!...that should be interesting! i havent been to the bar for at least 5 yrs maybe a little more and to be honest i really miss dancing.....



oh yes dancing...back to the reception...the dj played great music to tire all the little kids out first while the adults proceeded to get smashed(typical french canadian behavior)the more drunk i got the more french i spoke...much to my husbands dismay, he doesnt understand. then some eminem comes on and the dj put on a preformance  that had money being tossed at him...he is a fanfreakintastic breakdancer! havent seen any of that live for so dam long i forgot how impressive it is!...i danced until my feet hurt! and then they played "cotton eyed joe"...well shit! cant miss out on that one! that song came out when i was just starting going to the bar alot..i was 19...ten fukin yrs ago! and it still got the whole place up and  dancing! even the older people...



all in all that was a great night and if i had more friends in line to get married...i would so be there!



hope ya'll had a great weekend!



tell me what song is always played at the weddings in your family and friends circle....ours is the "chicken song"...with the gestures and all...ooh and polka tunes too!



posted by: jayah | 11 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












what i learned!
Thursday 10.28.04 [2:27 pm] delete entry | edit entry



hey people! i managed to recoup just fine from my weekend!...which is really good cuz i had a really busy week. gotta love those days when ya wake up and realize oh man i gotta be somewhere in an hour an i have three people to get ready! LOVELY!



well my husbands second sister is getting married in a week or so. his first sis got married a year ago and has a beautiful baby boy!..anyways the whole family is here getting ready for the wedding....IF YOU DONT ALREADY KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT WEDDINGS AND MARRIAGE....LETS JUST SAY ITS NOT MY FAVORITE TOPIC RIGHT NOW!...but i love my in-laws! they are quite amazing people...im a pretty lucky gurl!



now im sure you can see by my blogs that i have no problen prattling on like an old biddy..but last night at the wedding shower i barely spoke! i just couldnt say much..im not in a great place right now when it comes to marriage! dont get me wrong i love my husband...hes just a pain alot of the time! i couldnt give his SISTER any advice..plus im not big on advice..i like suggestions better.there is a difference.



i read something awhile ago that said our personalities are still developping until we are about 27!...very funny i thought! thats when i really decided that i needed to be myself and some people wont like that. too bad for them i have a purpose in my life to be me! whatever that may be! the ones who always gave me the hardest time were my parents..they thought the way i was reflected on them directly! they have long since realized that what i wear or listen to at top volume has nothing to do with how i feel about them or my kids...its just me! and im still a good mom and a good daughter...and i hope im a good friend!



so i wanted to "list" a few things that I HAVE LEARNED!



...THAT TELLING THE TRUTH IS HARD
...I WILL FEEL BETTER AFTER TELLING
...I LOVE MY KIDS MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD
...I AM A VAMPIRE-TYPE(NIGHT IS FOR LIVING)
...THAT I WILL FIND MY WAY THROUGH LIFE
...DIESEL IN A CAR IS A GREAT THING
...WINDOWS THAT ROLL UP ALL THE WAY ARE GREAT TOO
...GOOD FRIENDS ARE NECESSARY
...MERCY IS A VIRTUE(WORKING ON THAT ONE)
...IM A PORCUPINE PESONALITY
...IM HARD TO PLEASE SOMETIMES(ALOT)
...IM NOT A BAD COOK
...IM STILL A HOTTIE(WHEN I WANNA BE)
...I LOVE TO BE SCARED
...I LOVE TO DRIVE STANDARD
...I LEARN BETTER BY OSMOSIS
...I WISH I HAD SIBLINGS(STILL)
...IM GLAD MY KIDS HAVE EACH OTHER
...AS I GET OLDER IM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT SAFETY(SUCKS)
...IM MORE DETERMINED TO DO THE THINGS I FIND IMPORTANT
...I MISS HAVING A DOG IN THE HOUSE.......



all in all i guess im growing up....funny how that works....finally growing up at 29!....too funny! i thought i knew more when i was younger..now i know i know nothing!...but i learning..probably never stop either!



well im gonna go fold the mound of laundry i have piled up next to me on the couch..lose a kid in there....hmmmmm!...LMAO!



CIAO PEOPLE!



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im a thief!
Friday 10.29.04 [1:53 am] delete entry | edit entry


ok i stole this from incubuszealot...thanks chickie!
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
umm i have a laptop...

FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
dont have one..be glad i read!

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
not being able to fix everything for those you love(kids,friends and so on) 

FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING?
ok now im awake where are they? "HEY,get back in here what were you doing?"

HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
3...if i get it at all

SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer for the beach,winter for the sledding

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE?
oh shit! when i figure it out i'll let you know 

FAVORITE FOODS?
pizza, cheetos, chocolate,does tequila count?

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Le chocolate of course...i just wear vanilla perfume

DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Nope...my baby takes up to much space(yes i sleep with my baby)

STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
very cool...sit in my porch and watch for hours...

COKE OR PEPSI?
who cares?....not i!

WHAT'S YOUR ZODIAK SIGN?
capricorn

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
awww...i dont wanna work! can someone just take care of me please?..im house broken...LMAO!

IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
ummm not happening...right now anyways.....

EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
do i breathe?..of course i have been in love!

FAVORITE MOVIE?
Empire records,Point Break, The Crow...theres lots!

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
dust,toys and cheerios

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
ok this is lame but 13 is our family favorite no.  special things always happen on that day...

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
umm golf!...NO JUST KIDDING! HOCKEY! IM A CANADIAN GURL!

BEACH, MOUNTAINS, OR CITY?
Beach

FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue and red..today anyways

COMEDY OR HORROR?
Horror! all the way!

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
When im sleeping....


posted by: jayah | 10 comments (view/add) StaticLink

 
lets see
12.19.04 (10:32 pm)   [edit]

Well im gonna try this...moving my posts over here...see if this works...*crosses fingers*














makes me mad when...
Friday 09.17.04 [11:51 pm] delete entry | edit entry



it makes me mad when the phone rings and ya can't find it!



it makes me mad when you run out of fuel and have no jerry can(i have a brand new one..now!)



it makes me mad when you walk around ALL day with something in your teeth and no says a freakin' word!



it makes me mad when you tell someone you love them and they dont believe you!



it makes me mad when you get dressed up and the minute you're too far away to go home and change..you get dirty!



it makes me mad when the one day you dont have time to shave your legs all your pants are in the wash!



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hmmm..just random thoughts
Saturday 09.18.04 [2:41 am] delete entry | edit entry



well..im in love for the millionth time in my life..nice huh?i cant quite figure out why im so flighty..cant be happy just sittin still..or not movin fast enough either.why do things have to be so damn difficult..i read things others have posted and really its all the same shit diff. pile..ya know?i hope it doesnt rain tomorrow i gotta mow the lawn..got 50 damn trees to go around too..anyone got a chainsaw?why do kids insist on putting half the jar of fish food in the tank?why do animals sit on my lap when they make me sneeze?i love them but get off my lap dammit!why are ppl afraid to be truthful me included?the truth no matter how hard it is to spill always is the best path(i think).why do women feel the need to explain why they look a certain way..guys dont do that unless they are gay..break free gurls be ur selves! wateva that may be. who says you cant be a mom with tattoos and piercings and big black boots too? why do kids look like angels when they are sleeping?why do we feel like we have to stay married to one person forever?ppl fall out of love..wat then stay and be miserable?NO DAMMIT! that would be stupid(i really shouldnt say that)im no judge do wat ya want..no skin off my ass!oh dear i believe i have lost my mind..lmao!check in l8r to see how crazy i get..i dont even know myself...



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what a day!
Sunday 09.19.04 [5:25 am] delete entry | edit entry


ever feel like you're missing something when ya first wake up?well this mornin i did..usaully i wake up to "MOMMY ARE YOU AWAKE?"..i did wake up to the sound of children..just not in the house..OUTSIDE! in their pj's..i got one in diapers too..lovely! after they fed themselves cookies for breakfast they let themselves outside to play..IN THE FRESHLY POURED CEMENT! hand and foot prints everywhere!picture this... woman tries to wake up enough to stumble down stairs glad she is actually wearing decent pj's a bit short but not bad..runs outside and grabs baby and washes in kitchen sink..looks at 3yr old and shoos her to the tub..wont fit it the sink..oh yeah new carpet..put down wet baby to pick up dirty heavy 3yr old and carry up stairs.oof! what a morning so far! glad they were good for the afternoon! now its evening..ever hear or the orange game?it is very silly..best played with many ppl under the influence of alcohol..jello shots are great..they dont spill! here is how ya do it........ pick even teams..have a pair of nylons for each team. place one orange in 1 leg of each pair of nylons. place one orange on floor in front of each team. tie softly around waist nylons with orange hanging in between legs bout 6" off the ground. define start and finish line. now go! using hip motion and squatting hit orange across floor with one in nylon. do not use hands at all..place on hips or behind back.go to finish line and pass off nylon to next in line..that is why i said tie softly.nylons stretch alot..and make the knot almost impossible to undo. now in our case the team who won got more booze but feel free to improvise..very good for some laughter! if anyone can do this without cracking up..you need help and lots or therapy...lmao! what an evening! i love days like this when you're not sure how it will turn out! try the game its too funny!!!!


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...sundays...
Monday 09.20.04 [2:11 am] delete entry | edit entry



sundays...



love the way it feels
razorblade slicing away the pain
im not here anymore
anymore im not



love the way it seals
my thoughts in a drain
going down fast
so fast i wont last
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;          catch!



love the way it reels
when i hit the wall
never could've had it all
never all, never all



i will dream til it becomes real
i will love when i cant feel
MY SOUL YOU WILL NOT STEAL!
so fuck off!



the end...



ahh feels so much better..had to get that one out! be more later..i can feel another coming already...



posted by: jayah | 1 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












my first suvey...
Monday 09.20.04 [3:45 pm] delete entry | edit entry




















-Layer One-
* You: jayah
* Middle name: dont have one
* Birthday: december 26 1974
* Birthplace: montreal,quebec
* Last place you traveled: to my parents in alberta
* Eye Color: Brown
* Nail Color: dark maroon fingers and toes
* Height: 5'11"
* Zodiac Sign: capricorn

-Layer Two-
*describe*
* Your heritage: 100% french..and half black see if you can figur it out!
* The shoes you wore today: my cats..walking machines
* Your hair: Dark brown anc curly like a telephone cord..down to my low back
* Your weakness: my kids
* Your perfect pizza: greek with no onions and lots of feta

-Layer Three-
*what is*
* Your most overused phrase on aim: hey now!
* Your thoughts first waking up: where are my kids?!
* Your current worry: what the afore mentioned will be doing when i find them
* Your plans for today: laundry..oh so exciting!
* Your plans for tomorrow: putting away the laundry
* Your best physical feature: my legs and my eyes
* Your bedtime: anytime..sleep when i can!

-Layer Four-
*you prefer*
* Sunrise or sunset:  sunset
* Gore or horror: horror
* Eastsiiiide or wessssside: west
* Stripes or polka dots: stripes all the way!
* Planes or trains: planes i guess
* Boxers or briefs: who cares? i wear underwear big deal!
* Pools or hot tubs: pools

-Layer Five-
*do you*
* Do you think you've been in love: funny im married and i could say no..but i wont of course i've been in love!
* Type w/ your fingers on homerow: huh?whats homerow?..guess not then..lol
* Like to take baths: not unless its followed by a shower..sitting in your own filth..GROSS!
* Get motion sickness: not unless im pregnant
* Like talking on the phone: love it!
* Like thunderstorms: love them..had one last nite
* Play an instrument: nope..not even to save my life..can sing though...
* Workout: not unless chasing two very busy kids counts
* Like reading: love it when i actually have quiet

-Layer Six-
*favorite*
* Body part: eyes and butt
* Kind of fruit: mangoes
* Music to fall asleep to: frogs and crickets
* Time of the day: late night
* Car: hmmm..one i dont have to buy!
* Number: dont have one
* Thing to do: talk with a good friend..in peace and quiet! 
* Horror movie: house on haunted hill
* Colors: red and black..dark denim

-Layer Eight-
*the future*
* Age you hope to be married: already there
* Numbers and Names of Children: i got two..
* Describe your Dream Wedding: no way..i didn't get it anyways
* How do you want to die: when i'm old..and in my sleep
* What do you want to be when you grow up: oh shit i gotta grow up?
* What country would you most like to visit: australia

-Layer Nine-
*opposite sex*
* Best eye color: brown..or blue..or green..hmmm..doesnt matter i guess
* Short or long hair: what ever suits them..no mullets though..yuck!
* Best personality trait: humor..and compassion
* Best height: 5'11" or taller
* Best articles of clothing: original stuff no cookiecutter shit..i hate that
* Best first date location: a nice..but not expensive restaurant..to talk..
* Best first kiss location: doesn't matter if it's good enough..we will be all alone..winkwink!

The Generic Teenager Stereotype
Do you drink [alcohol]?: sure sometimes
Do you party a lot? not so much kids change your priorities
Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: i have..haven't for a few years
How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: oh tons its like im still like a teenager..ya know
Do you skip classes? i wa the queen of skipping
Do you have casual sex? Protected?: not anymore..but i did!
Do you steal?: oh..yes i have not now
Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: absolutely..gotta do it!
Do you drool over celebrities?: sometimes..hubby hates it though so i do it quietly..lol!
Do you watch a lot of TV?: i guess
Do you ever watch the News?: not if my kids are up... that shit is brutal sometimes
Do you even care about world issues?: absolutely..especially mothers and children..and their treatment
Do you read books often?: whenever i can
Are you failing a lot of your classes?: not in school..but if i was i would be failing something for sure
Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: nope
Do you smoke cigarettes?: NO!!!!!!!!!how disgusting
Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: um no!
Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: yes especially if i'm fighting with my husband..
Do you cuss a lot?: yes but not around my kids
Are you desperate to fit in?: no..why would i care?
Are you intelligent?: yes

The Goth Stereotype (You mean goth poser)
Black lipstick?: No
Black eyeliner?: No
Black eyeshadow?: sometimes
Black trenchcoat?: No
Black boots?: yes and black shoes too
Black fishnets?: i'm gonna pull those suckers out again
Black nail polish?: sometimes
Cigarettes?: NO!!!!!!
Heavy metal music?: um yah!
Marilyn Manson?: he's ok not my 1st choice
Kittie?: No
Cradle of Filth?: never heard..
Constant frown and perpetual angst?: lol..not unless i'm hating my husband!
Do you like to be seen as one?: huh?
Are you an intellectual?: yup im real smart...lol
An atheist?: nope
Horrible home life?: ask my kids
Hopelessly depressed?: nope..just depressed...lol..no im great!
Suffering with suicidal idealations?: nope
Self-mutilation?: no way..that is sad..

The Punk Stereotype
Plaid?: yup
Big black boots?: yupused to have green ones too
Mohawk?: no
Excessive piercings? not to me..6ear and 1tongue..had navel too but babies...you know
Loud, confident and opinionated?: YEAH since birth !
Wild hair colors?: No
NOFX?: yup they're ok
Rancid?: oh baby THEY ARE THE BEST!!!the bastard and transplants too..lock step and im gone!
Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: somewhat i dont watch the news much remember?but i know what i think is cool and what sucks that doesn't change much

The Jock Sterotype
What's your IQ?: 127
Do you watch a lot of sports?: No
Play a lot of sports?: No
Talk a lot about sports?: not really..this hockey thing is funny though
Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: oh please..of course..
Are you arrogant?: only when it isn't a good idea...
Are you a male or female whore?: that in da past kids..ya'll never hear it from me..
Are you homophobic?: nope..
Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: just my husband..lol
But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: in some areas i am but ya'll never know!
Parties = yes?: yes..with jello shooters..very amusing
Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: never worked in fast food..no

The Girl Stereotype
Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: not really..im already beautiful!
Have you ever been on a diet?: yeah im a gurl!
Make yourself throw up?: not if i can help it..eww!
Make-up?: just started wearing a little again..makes my kids laugh
Low-cut tops?: yeah but beware you might hurt yerself!
How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: too big..just ask me if you really must know...
Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: no
Giggle a lot?: not really..like a good laugh instead
What's the deal with boys?: oh shit..dont ask me!
Thongs?: yeah but only if i gotta...
Pretty bras?: um im a practical gurl so i have some leopard stuff but thats it no frilly froo-froo stuff..makes ya itch anyways!
YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: no..stupid...
Who's the weaker sex?: depends who we are refering to
Are you a feminist?: Yes
Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: he is beautiful..and a fantastic actor!
How often do you shave your legs?: i dont shave...i wax..were ya scared?
How about your armpits?: every other day
Are you emotional?: oh you bet!
Especially when on your period?: no just before..so look out!


Originality or Acceptance?: both be who you were meant to be
Independence or Companionship?: oh easy..has to be a balance        & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; or Freedom?: freedom
Personal or Interpersonal?: what?
Introvert or Extrovert?: usually extrovert..unless i'm tired
Popularity or Isolation?: once again a balance
Unique or Loved?: oh jeez be urself dammit!
Understood or Individual?: see above..jeez!

You or Them?: ...?

boy or girl: girls
cat or dog: dogs
gap or abercrombie and fitch: neither
livejournal or something else: something else
records or casettes: oh both i guess im that old huh?
comedy or drama: Comedy
horror or science fiction: both..
flowers or candy: candy..flowers die
MTV or MTV2: um no.. 
VH1 or MTV:  once again no
Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon: no..i guess i dont watch as much t.v. as i thought..
be with friends or be with your significant other: ha these days my friends for sure
truth or dare: truth
cards or board games: cards alone board games together
radio or CDs: both
Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter: both
PC or Mac: neither
pen or pencil: pencil
blue ink or black ink: ..how about purple?
sneakers or sandals: sure..when thats called for
converse or vans: sure
Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel: both stupid but i'll watch em if nothing else is on
lipgloss or lipstick:lipgloss
long hair or short hair: Long...
opera or musical theatre: not likely..maybe ballet?
band or choir or orchestra: un uh..
math or science: science
gay or straight or bi: straight with bi interests..
coffee or cappuchino: dont drink either..raspberry leaf tea is better for ya anyways
english or social studies: english
disney world or universal studios: never been..
california or florida: cali baby..nice ppl there..they like canadians too
the states or canada: definately canada!
europe or asia: asia
anime or cartoons: cartoons
manga or comics: comics..im old ya know
chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
milk chocolate or dark chocolate or white chocolate: all chocolate!!!
war or peace: peace...life is precious!
north or south: in tha north!
nailpolish or no nailpolish: polish..change it every two days or so..today im going lavender!
travel or stay at home: there is time enough to do both
democrat or republican: democrat



 
 
----


posted by: jayah | 4 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












tightass tuesday
Wednesday 09.22.04 [2:20 am] delete entry | edit entry



holy arachniphobia part two at my house right now..and those fuckers do jump too!..oh man thats so nasty!



why is it when you say stupid shit thats all ppl remember? like i told my husband i was thinking of finding a new man because we're not even friends..i know its harsh but come on i was under alot of pressure..being married is hard work at the best of times..but dude when it sucks it really sucks..! i dont think we've ever really been friends anyways. im too wild he says..livin' a sinful life..well ok then when i die and meet the maker we'll discuss things then so until then leave me make my shitty choices...ok!



i need a HOLIDAY! dammit!



who wants to pack up and leave with me? dont care where as long as its nice and warm and has water...any ideas? im open!



now the title today is tightass tuesday..because where i live this is the day to see new movies at half the price..now im pouting cuz i didnt get to go..its the best today cuz the place is full and you get a communal enjoyment of the film..plus ITS HALF PRICE..im cheap..no not that kind of cheap..the frugal kind..although with the right partner anything is possible...right?



oh im so bad arent i? this is what happens when ya dont keep your wives happy boys..especially when they tell you exactly how to do it!



well i better go off to bed..who knows what my little monsters will get up to  tomorrow! ciao..!



posted by: jayah | 2 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












why are ppl so stupid?
Thursday 09.23.04 [1:50 am] delete entry | edit entry



ok im back to vent a little...



why do ppl insist on crossing the street in rushhour traffic..walking in between the cars..ya want broken legs?



why is it that when you make a list of things to do you almost always miss one thing on that damn list?..grrr! that one really rips my shorts cuz i live far from the stores!



why do kids wanna eat off your plate even though its the same food..i just put extra on now..they eat it all too!



why do ppl stop abruptly in the mall?..and you trip over them taking your kids down with you and now you are sitting on your ass laughing it off hoping there is no old woman under all your bags...!



why do kids pick a rainstorm to decide to go out and play?..oh i love mud all over my new carpet..never again...hardwood next time!



why do parents have a way of making you feel like a kid when you already have your own?..cant wait to do it to my kids...lol!



why does putting on make-up change your attitude sometimes?..good thing cuz i need an adjustment!



oh man why cant i stop talking about stupid shit?



l8r kids better sleep or this will get even worse...ciao!



posted by: jayah | 1 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












what the man said...
Friday 09.24.04 [2:40 am] delete entry | edit entry



hello..i gotta tell ya what my husband said to me tonight..i almost fell on the floor!
he said this.BEING A HOUSEWIFE IS IMPOSSIBLE!
omg like he would know! im the one who washes his clothes and does the dishes..like hell he knows what its like..rotflmao!
im the one who feels like i never do anything well enough..or clean my house often enough..and so on...oh shit was it funny...



hmmm..i realised it seems like im always complaining..maybe i should do something about that huh?



well i think tomorrow i will tell you about the thimks i love or like...ok?! ciao for now (so cheesy HUH?) g'night kids!



posted by: jayah | 7 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












LISTEN TO ME!
Sunday 09.26.04 [1:51 am] delete entry | edit entry



hi im back..i have been so sick i might find it hard to say things i like! im feeling kinda bitchy today. but im gonna try to say them anyways cuz i said i would..ok?



i love to watch my kids sleeping.they are so peaceful and angelic(not when awake)
i love to hear the rain on my roof..sorry Galvatron if ya read this
i love to help a friend in need.
i love to eat popcorn at the movies.
i love to kiss for hours(but im married so that never happens..lmao!)
i love to cook big meals for my friends and family.
i love to make new friends.
i love to mow the lawn.
i love to take pictures of my kids.they are beautiful(and rotten)
i love to tell ppl my whole life..especially if they ask!
i love puppies
i love  my parents..but they annoy me often.
i love my house..its almost done..well not really but whatever!
i love the fact that im turning thirty at christmas.
i love my friends
i love to write in this blog..



ok you see its better when i write what REALLY happens in my life..that was boring huh? oh well check back later..im still feeling pretty shitty.bed time for me!



G'NIGHT ALL!!!



posted by: jayah | 7 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












PLAY THIS!!!!!!!
Monday 09.27.04 [2:49 am] delete entry | edit entry



ok i was writing about the music i like till my baby woke up and hoofed the laptop and i lost my damn blog!...now he's sleeping and im annoyed..he is so cute and rotten!



ok i will write something else..i play the drums! but not the kind you might think! i play two kinds..aboriginal...and african. i made my own aboriginal drum a few years back..man was that hard on the fingers..ya gotta pull so hard on the leather to stretch it..it took three of us and it wasnt even that big of a drum! anyways it is an awesome sounding drum and its so loud! it demands to be the beat everytime i play it! so i have to be ready to lead that song..let me tell you about that. we have a womens drumming group(no we do not bash men i will do that here..just kidding)we get together twice a month..full moon and new moon..to coincide with a womans cycle too(sorry guys). we drum and sing song from the aboriginal cultuer as well as from african and indian too.we draw strenght an power from this. it is a form of prayer..this is how i got pregnant so fast with my son. this is how:at the full you can share a blessing you wish to recieve with the group..you name the moon..that time i named it love and i asked for the gift of fertility..well in one month i was preggers! yay! it also worked for my friend too. she is still pregnant due in december!when ever i feel down or depressed that is where i wanna be..with women of all ages, all walks of life,daughters ,mothers,sisters grandmothers...etc! it is a place to feel safe..i wish everyone had this available to them.



that drum i play is 10" round and you hit it with a beater..there are many diffrent styles and sizes..too many to list!



did you know almost all cultures have their own style of drum? all around the world kids...universal language maybe?



the other drums i play are traditional african drums..one is an ashika..the other is a djembe. they both have very distinct sounds..i prefer my djembe..i can get so many tones out of it..oh toning..tell ya bout that too..



drumming is easy and anyone can do it! both my kids play and thay are 1 and 3. everyone has a beat ya just gotta let it out!i encourage all to try!



my husband and i actually love to play together(one of the few things we like that are the same..polar opposites we are)so we get the kids playing shakers and one of us keeps the beat while the other does a melody..it often happens when ppl are visiting..it really gets ppl comfortable.



oh yeah toning...picture this : a dark room filled with women and candles and smoldering sweetgrass..and suddenly the air is filled with a sound you wouldn think came from a human. a keening high pitched sound..joined by a lower howl. and then more higher or lower till the sound reverberates in your skull..you cant help but join in...at first you feel odd and awkward but soon you feel powerful and free and primal..this is where you find your soul!who you are meant to be! you hold the note you chose for as long as possible then start again...change it up or stay the same..it will free you..ya know like HOWLING AT THE MOON!  i dare you to get ppl together(GUYS TOO) and try it! you might like it. the more the merrier no drunks though..they ruin it..a little weed wont hurt though!



i find drumming a great way to be spiritual without religion..freedom is the key!



wow that was alot of writing didnt think i had it in me!



oh man time for bed kids...*yawn* g'night all!



hmmm..if ya have questions or whatever..you know what to do...



posted by: jayah | 2 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 












finally breathing again...barely..
Monday 09.27.04 [12:35 pm] delete entry | edit entry



 



im alive and breathing...



the sun shining through on my face..
i realize i've fallen from grace..
do you know how much i dream of you?
do you know to not have you rips me through?
do you hear the breath rush in?
why is this a sin?
why did you come to me now and not before?
do you see what the future has in store?
i wish i did because maybe the loneliness would end..
i just cant quite see what lives beyond that bend.
you made me feel alive again,to love to heal..to breathe dammit!
so for that i thank you my love...
an eternal wish for happiness i send to you my love!



to the one i wrote this for..you will never know how much i love you and how important you are to me..i wish things were different..i need you!



posted by: jayah | 13 comments (view/add) StaticLink
 










odds an ends
Wednesday 09.29.04 [5:09 pm] delete entry | edit entry



ok so last night i had many witty things to post...and the site was down! so being a mom...if i dont do things right away...i forget! shit! oh but i do remember one thing!



my dear darling friend said something that made me laugh so hard! she said i cant see in the dark! i said really me either!..then ithought about it a bit and realized the sillyness of that comment...um no one can see in tha dark babe! that why we have night vision goggles!
but i still think newborns can see in the dark!...how else would they know we are there? if ya think about it they are used to it...hanging out in the dark for 9 mos! oh they probably just sense us..



i also realized i've been out of the music scene other than what is played on the damn radio..what the hell?! i used to be a punkrocker chick! this is what happens when you're not paying attention..ppl watch out ok! dont get old before your time..age is only a number(as i think of my mother tobogganing on a huge hill at 65yrs old!) she rocks..and she sings rancid songs while doing laundry..ruby ruby ruby ruby soho!igve em the boot the rootss the radical,give em the boot you know im a radical!...keep in mind she has a very french accent...oh shes so cute! i love my mom!my kids totally love to rock out with me now that i dug up all my old cd's...i need to get some new stuff! maybe pink! and definately rancid...love the rasmus and the killers..bif naked is a total must! and maybe live on release too! god i need a job...that pays i mean! ohh maybe sean paul..love that dance hall stuff! makes me wanna get up and dance all freakin' night!



ahhhhh now i have a renewed interest in life and music...things are sweet! plus my kids like GOOD music! not like their dad...lol!



posted by: jayah | 4 comments (view/add) StaticLink

 
Introducing...LadyVenom
12.18.04 (1:31 pm)   [edit]

Ok kids...this is my new blog!...If any of you read chickenpiniata's blog you may have read about the blogging rules...check them out...lol!...Oh man I could have used her a long time ago.


I will be sending out a msg to those who were my friends before. I just want to keep things quieter...Although I will try to post more often...I had a request for that...from a lovely gurl...


So I am your everyday average mommy type...with different interests. I love Vampires,Werewolves and Witches...but have been quite busy with babies to do much reading or anything else for that matter! Now my kids are getting older and I should have more time to do those things now.


I am at a new place in my life and those who knew me before already know this....this is for the new people who will hopefully reading about my life...past and present...the past might make you blush...I will try to warn you. I am tryin to not be so restricted by boundaries inposed by society as to what is right or wrong. I am on a new path and I feel this might be a better way to keep track of it.


So here's to a new place... 

 
testing
12.18.04 (12:27 pm)   [edit]
Ok ppl this is a test!...im moving myself over here...too much breakin of blog "rules"...lmao!